


Resilience

by lesbiansharp



Category: Scott & Bailey
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 12:14:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 19,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21161483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiansharp/pseuds/lesbiansharp
Summary: She had been with Gill three times when they were in training, and it was never serious, she never felt more than friendship and the occasional urge to pin Gill against the wall and slide her hand into her panties, to fuck her hard and fast, to hear her beg for it.





	1. Chapter 1

Fingers. On her, inside her, soft. Fingers tracing her lips, running over the place where her hip jutted out, and down, stroking her clit. A chuckle, lips on her neck, the feel of her friend’s tongue licking, sucking. The feel of her breath between her thighs, the want in her gaze, the way Gill’s long brown hair seemed to drag across her body, making her come alive. Making her want this, want her. 

Janet was suddenly awake, a bit sweaty and quivering. Wet. She looked at her alarm clock, 3.28AM. She didn’t need to be up for another two hours. Holding the memory in her mind, she reached down beneath the covers, there was no getting out of this now. It was an odd thing to come back to her like that, but now was not the time for thoughts, now was the time for getting off. Janet felt herself, soaking with want, it wasn’t going to take her very long at all. Gill’s tongue, Gill’s hair, Gill’s fingers inside her, fast and deep and rough. She allowed a little moan to seep out of her throat and into the dark air of her bedroom. She was so close to begin with that it didn’t take much, and now she could sleep. 

5.30AM, Janet’s alarm was beeping loudly and she got up, a bit sticky. She needed a shower, bad. Stripping off her clothes, she stood under the warm spray, shampooing her hair. Janet ran her hands over her belly and lower, realising she was still, very much, in fact, turned on. She started to think about it, to think about Gill. She had been with Gill three times when they were in training, and it was never serious, she never felt more than friendship and the occasional urge to pin Gill against the wall and slide her hand into her panties, to fuck her hard and fast, to hear her beg for it. Those were some feelings Janet hadn’t felt since then, she realised, and oh god did she want that with someone. Wanted to want someone. She hadn’t wanted Ade like that- God no. Or Andy. She didn’t want to address this, but she had just relived a memory in her sleep, so there would be some reason for it. She hadn’t thought of Gill in that way since that time, and neither of them ever brought it up, she hadn’t even thought about it in years. It was only sex, there weren’t any icky feelings involved, and it had been a wonderful friendship, they were grateful to one another. Having sex with Gill had been so… casual. Like it just happened, no one had planned it to happen and neither regretted it later, just enjoyed it deeply while it was happening. It was the best sex that Janet had ever had, but she didn’t like women in that way. No, she definitely liked men, their rough fingers and strong hands and hard… She stopped herself. She remembered, then, all those hundreds of times she’d faked an orgasm for Ade. Being on top of Andy, and thinking, what am I not feeling here? She hadn’t tried to think of what, just let it be. She didn’t want to know. 

And there she was, sitting at her desk in the office, her eyes holding at Rachel’s lips again like they always seem to, she doesn’t want to think about it, but she does. How could she not after those memories. She looked away for a minute, then brought her gaze back to Rachel when she wasn’t looking. She wondered, then, consciously, what Rachel Bailey would taste like. She wondered how it would feel to make her come, what that would taste like. She could still remember Gill somehow, even though it had been twenty years or more, what Gill tasted like, coming undone. Janet remembered very vividly the feel of it, eating Gill out in the back of her car. She shook her head, going more than a bit pink. She was such a mess today.

Janet leaned against the counter, she looked at herself in the mirror, tracing her lips with her finger. Gill used to do that. She shook her head, not now, not here. Suddenly, Rachel flung open the door to the loo and saw Janet leaning there, frozen with a finger to her lips.

“What’s wrong with you today mate? You seem really off.”  
“Oh, just… Nothing, really.” Just thinking about our boss sitting on my face twenty years ago and the sudden remembrance of that and the rest of how we were with one another is making me question a great deal…  
“Oh all right then, don’t tell me.”  
“Oh it’s not that I just-” And suddenly Janet had her friend pinned against the wall, and her tongue was in Rachel’s mouth before she’d even registered what was happening. Janet gasped and pulled away, but Rachel grabbed her back and pulled her in for more wet, desperate kisses.  
“I don’t know what’s come over me I -Excuse me.” 

Janet high-tailed it out of the bathroom, out of the MIT building and into her car, where she pulled her knees up to her chin and hugged them. She could feel herself starting to cry, what the fUCK is wrong with me? 

A bloop from her phone caught her attention for a minute. It was Rachel, no surprise there. She would be asking where Janet had gone. She ignored it, and relaxed her body from the fetal position, trying to get herself together. A knock on the passenger side door caught her attention and she unlocked the car. Gill.

“What’s wrong, cock?” She was genuinely concerned, which Janet appreciated. Gill, who had been occupying her thoughts all day. Kind, wonderful, sexy, wild, Gill.  
“I’m coming to a conclusion today, something that probably should’ve been clear to me… twenty years ago, thirty years ago. I’m struggling. Honestly, I feel wretched. I hate myself for not knowing.”  
Gill put her hand on Janet’s shoulder. “You can tell me, I’m listening.”  
“Gill, I think I’m a lesbian…”  
“I kind of got that vibe, might’ve been that night you made me come three times that gave me that impression.” She chuckled a tiny bit but tried to keep it serious, Janet was very serious. “I’m sorry you’re having a rough time with it, I am here for you, Janet. You know where to find me and I do know what you’re feeling.” Gill kissed her, soft, on the lips. It was only for a second and then she pulled away. “I am proud of you for saying so to me, I know it isn’t easy.”  
Janet didn’t say anything, just put her arms around Gill’s neck and pulled her back for a proper snog, it felt like they were twenty six again, tongues licking, teeth nipping, out of breath. “Thank you.”  
“I missed your kisses.” Gill whispered.  
“Likewise” Janet kissed her cheek and then her nose. “Let’s go back. Solve some murders.” She smiled, a weight off her chest.


	2. Chapter 2

Janet licked Gill off her fingers, breathing a bit heavier than normal. She slumped down on the bed, laying with her head in the crook of her friend’s neck.  
“...So, have I still got it?” She chuckled gently, moving her hand to rest on her own naked belly.  
“Yes, yes you have still got it. Thanks for that, cock. God knows I’ve been in need of a shag recently.”  
Janet snorted. “So is that why you’ve been so stroppy? I better fuck you more often then, for everyone’s sake.”  
“Well you’d hear no complaints from me.” Then there was a pause. “So, how are you feeling about yourself, about coming out to me. Have you told anyone else yet? If you want to talk about it, of course.”  
“Yeah, yeah. I do want to talk about it. I haven’t told anyone else and I know that I should, it’s just difficult. Especially at forty-nine years old, when you’ve got children and your life is practically over.”  
“It is NOT practically over, don’t say that!”  
“Sometimes it feels that way. I know it isn’t. It’s so difficult to find someone new at this point though, and now that I’ve come to terms with it, I’m not sure I’d know how to be in a relationship with a woman.”  
“Well, on the bright side, sex wouldn’t be a problem! You’re pretty good at that.” Gill chuckled.  
“Thanks, mate.” She smiled and reached her hand over to squeeze Gill’s. “There was someone that I really fancied, but I’m pretty sure I’ve fucked that one up.”  
“Who?”  
“Rachel. I snogged her right before you found me crying in my car the other day. Foolish. Couldn’t control myself.”  
“Blimey. What did she say?”  
“Nothing. She still hasn’t said a thing about it, like it never happened.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“It’s alright. I know that she would be very, very bad for me. To be honest, I’ve let her take advantage of me a lot and I wish I'd've had the heart to say ‘no’ in certain situations with her but that’s why I couldn’t, I realize. Part of stopping that pushover behaviour is realizing why I behaved that way, and I do now. I was so in love with her, and now I think I could move past that, find someone who actually wants me and would give their all.”  
“You deserve to be loved. Fully and deeply. I’m glad you’re learning your worth, if a bit late.” Gill squeezed the hand she was holding, Janet squeezed back.  
“I am lucky to have you, Gill. Thanks for, you know, sticking with me all these years.”  
“Oh it’s nothing.”  
Janet shifted and Gill was on top of her, a knee between her thighs, lips and tongue making their way down her neck. She moaned, it was nice to be with someone like this. Just nice to have someone who was gonna be there through thick and thin, be there for a shag when you needed one too. Gill was a great friend. And it was surprising, they were able to be like this but they didn’t want to be in a relationship or anything. This is what they had and that was enough for both of them, it worked out nice. REALLY nice, Janet thought as Gill moved down her body, all fingers and lips and tongue everywhere.  
“Yeah don’t stop.” Janet moaned, Gill had paused for a second and she hadn’t appreciated that.  
Gill chuckled. “Needy cow.” She resumed, making her way down Janet’s body, she felt good, she tasted good. Gill kneeled between Janet’s legs, causing her to whimper and spread them. Gill smiled, she liked having that effect on someone.  
Janet was pretty impatient, which she vocalized. Gill made another snippy comment about neediness before slipping her tongue inside her friend, Janet moaned. Gill loved when she was like this, all needy and loud. Neither of them liked to give it up and let the other person take over. They found it bearable with each other, however, knowing that they both felt the same. It was easier.  
Gill loved this, loved the way Janet tasted, the way she smelled. Janet had put one of her legs over Gill’s shoulder, giving her better access. Letting go was something she needed. This was something she needed, and Gill was gonna give it to her, was giving it to her.  
Three fingers entered Janet, roughly, and she moaned. Gill sighed against her clit before bringing her tongue back and licking, hard and fast, fingers in and out of her. Janet came, wet all over Gill’s fingers and face, breathing heavily.  
“That was…”  
“That was a lot.” Gill said in observation.  
Janet laughed, looking at Gill who had come all over her face, smiling goofily.  
“C’mere” She felt Gill’s weight on top of her again as their mouths latched onto each other, kissing sloppy. Janet could more than taste herself but she didn’t mind, she liked it even.  
They had to come up for air eventually, and Janet tucked a strand of Gill’s sticky hair behind her ear.  
“I think we need a shower.”


	3. Chapter 3

Janet just stayed there, in the middle of Gill’s bed, waiting for her to finish in the shower. It wasn’t awkward, though she thought it very well could be if it was anyone else. Anyone else’s bedroom she was left to her own devices in. It wasn’t awkward, but it was boring, and soon Janet was trying to find ways to entertain herself by going through the drawers of Gill’s bedside table. Several hair elastics, a fitbit and a hairbrush later, she came across a box with five different vibrators in it. Janet smirked, taking the box back over to the middle of the bed with her. She took them out one by one and put the vibrators in a line on the bed, then took the first in the line and inspected it, then turned it on.  
When Gill had finished in the shower, she came out wrapped in her towel to find Janet moaning with pleasure, Gill’s G spot vibrator deep inside her. Janet giggled,  
“Come here, you.” Gill obeyed and sat on the edge of her bed, taking Janet’s face in her hands and kissing her deeply, the vibration of Janet’s whimpers against her mouth making her smile into the kisses as Janet brought herself closer. Gill moved one hand down Janet’s body slowly, getting quite the reaction from her very horny friend. Her eyes pleaded as Gill’s fingers tweaked her nipple, then felt Gill’s lips and tongue, teeth grazing her skin, fingers making their way down further. Janet cried out when Gill’s fingers connected with her clit, moving fast in circles. She’d lost all sense of control except for her right hand, still thrusting the vibrator in and out. Janet hadn’t felt quite like this in well… She had never felt quite this good, not ever. She hadn’t even come yet.

That changed suddenly as Gill’s mouth connected with her neck, one last stroke of Gill’s fingers and one last thrust of the vibrator and Janet was coming undone like she never had before, squirting against their hands, body shaking. Gill pressed open mouthed kisses down her neck and collarbones, sucking Janet’s skin, leaving bruises. Janet sighed.  
“That was…”  
“-Hot.” Gill finished the sentence.  
Janet giggles. “I don’t know what’s come over me.”  
“Whatever it is, I like it.” Gill smiled against her skin, pausing the kisses.  
“Aye don’t stop…” Janet whined, and Gill resumed her kisses, getting whimpers from Janet.  
“You so need a shower, I’ve never seen so much… come. In my life.”  
Janet laughed. “Thanks mate I’ll get on that.” She gave Gill one last kiss on the mouth and left her sitting there on the edge of the messy bed, staggering a bit as she made her way to the shower.

When Janet came out of the bathroom, Gill had gone, the bed was made, and there was an oversized t-shirt on the bed for Janet. She loved the consideration and care, she never got that from any of the men she’d been with. Gill was an angel, really. Janet put on the shirt and nothing else, combing her hair out and braiding it. She felt comfortable, that’s what it was. Comfortable to be herself and that that was okay, it was bliss. 

Janet made her way down the stairs, softly, like she always does. Gill is in the kitchen, she’s making hash browns, but it isn’t morning. It’s about 11pm, and they’d gone straight to Gill’s from work, they’d gotten off early. Everything seemed to be going right, Sammy was at his girlfriend’s house, Janet’s girls weren’t expecting her until a bit later.

Janet hugged Gill from behind, melting into her.  
“Oh hello. Just thought I’d make some hash, I’m hungry.”  
“Me too.” Janet said, muffled against Gill’s shoulder, breathing her in.  
Gill’s back pocket buzzed, causing Janet to jump back a little in surprise.  
“Who’s calling you? It’s quarter past eleven!” Janet looked at her, wondering, looking for answers in Gill’s expression and the ways she moved.  
“I think I know who… don’t want to seem too keen though, might not answer that one.”  
Janet made a face, then smiled goofily.  
“Answer it, you daft cow!” She laughed, pulling the phone out of Gill’s back pocket, slapping her arse teasingly. Janet held the phone up to her face. “Julie Dodson-”  
“Give me that!” Gill pried the still-vibrating phone from her friend’s hands.  
“Answer it! Don’t be a pussy.”  
The phone stopped ringing.  
“So… Julie.”  
“What about her?” Gill asked slyly.  
“You fancy her.” Janet smirked.  
“And?”  
“And you should go for it. Jesus, Gill, Dodson’s been making heart eyes at you for years. Go out and get her it isn’t that hard!”  
“Says you!”  
“My situation is entirely different, I don’t fancy anyone! I just fancy a shag and that’s been taken care of!”  
“Lies! What about Rachel?”  
“So over it.”  
“Yeah, I bet.”  
Janet punched her shoulder jokingly. “Shut the fuck up and text Dodson.”  
“Okay, Jesus, woman.” She was grinning, though, secretly grateful that Janet could always be counted on to give her the kick in the ass she needed when it came to putting herself out there. 

She looked at Janet properly for the first time since she’d come downstairs, she was beautiful, her wet hair in a braid, wearing nothing but one of Gill’s oversized t-shirts.  
“You’re gonna need to um, cover those up you know.”  
“Yeah, but I like them.” She was serious then, in a soft way and Gill loved it. She remembered this about Janet; She liked being marked, having that as a reminder the next day that she hadn’t just imagined it. They had talked about it once, Janet had told her about why she wanted that in particular -so much. They were drunk and sitting on the roof of Gill’s parents’ house. It had been the weekend and they were twenty-six. It felt like yesterday.

Janet pushed her up against the counter, placing butterfly kisses down Gill’s neck. Gill sighed, being with Janet was the most natural thing in the world to her, and she was grateful for what they had.  
“Text Julie.” Janet whispered in her ear, and Gill could feel her giggle against her neck. Janet smiled in all her kisses, causing Gill to giggle as well.  
“Just one second. Stay there.” Janet reached behind and turned off the stove, not wanting to end up with burned hashbrowns or a burned down house.  
“Good thinking.”  
“Text. Dodson. When I’m done here, I mean.” Janet smirked, fitting her bare leg between Gill’s thighs and resuming her soft kisses, whimpering when Gill’s hands moved up and between her legs. Janet crouched down, sliding Gill’s jeans down with her, abandoning them at her knees and burying her face between Gill’s thighs, breathing her in. Gill sighed as she felt Janet’s wet mouth on her, making her quiver. Janet’s hot breath against her clit seemed like the only thing in the world. She came, hard, feeling Janet’s lips curl into a smile against her. She didn’t stop until Gill had come three times more, then rose with a grin on her face, pulling Gill’s jeans back on.  
“You better text her now. I need to get home to my girls. Thanks for this evening.”  
“I… Thank YOU, actually.”  
“You taste great, by the way. Julie will love it, you should call her back.” Janet winked and Gill rolled her eyes. “Getting my things now.”


	4. Chapter 4

Janet shut the front door of her house gently, turning round and hanging her purse on the end of the bannister, as she always does.  
“You’re home.” Her mum smiled at her, but her eyes were looking at Janet’s damp hair, the fact she was a tad later than she said she’d be.  
“Hello”  
“Had a nice evening?” Dorothy asked this simple question, but her daughter knew there was much she was wondering.  
Janet looked at her, I want to talk to you but I’m not sure how.  
“Here, I’ll make a pot of tea.” Janet looked at her with such softness and care, the way she does, squeezing Dorothy’s arm in passing.  
“All right, dear.” She smiled tenderly, knowing that Janet would try to answer her unasked questions, she appreciated the way the two of them were so connected that they could speak without saying anything so much of the time, it came in handy.

The kettle boiled, and Janet poured it into the teapot, putting in a bag of peppermint tea, the only one they had without caffeine. She made up the two cups of tea, making her mum’s the way she liked it, and her own with milk and no sugar.  
“Okay.” She said softly, sitting down on the couch.  
“If you say it quickly, it will be over sooner. I don’t want you to stress about whatever it is.” Dorothy looked at her, concerned.  
“Mum, it’s sensitive. It’s something I should have known sooner, and I’m only just coming to terms with it now myself, I don’t want it to affect how you think of me. I just want you to know because it’s important to me, and I love you and think you should know.”  
“I love you too, darling.”  
“Oh mum…” Janet started to shatter then, tears seeping out of her eyes and dripping down her face.  
“Janet, you can tell me.” Dorothy held her, Janet’s tears making her shoulder damp but she didn’t mind.  
“Mum, I think I’m a lesbian. I am a lesbian.” There was a silence. “I’ve only started to come to terms with it and I know I should have realized sooner. Gill has been really understanding about it… She’s the only person I’ve told. That’s where I was before I got home, her place.”  
“Didn’t I tell you you needed a wife?” Dorothy chuckled, giving her daughter a squeeze.  
“So you’re not… disappointed in me?”  
“Of course not darling, how could I be? I did… have my suspicions, to tell you the truth. I’m glad you’ve told me, I appreciate that that isn’t an easy thing to do.”  
“You knew?” Janet wept afresh, more from relief than anything else.  
“I didn’t know, I just could see the way you looked at Rachel sometimes… Were you in love with Rachel? Is that why you let her stay here all the time?”  
“I think that, yeah, I was in love with Rachel Bailey.”  
“Oh Janet…”  
“It’s okay. I’m okay.”  
“So is there someone else?” Dorothy was facing her now, to see Janet’s wet cheeks and big eyes.  
“Not exactly, but I want to be with someone properly when it’s right. I want to tell the girls before then.”  
“Okay. Just know that you can talk to me, I’m not here to judge you.”  
“Thank you, mum. I am so lucky to have you.”  
“And I you. When do you think you’re going to tell the girls?”  
“Soon, I just have some thinking to do first.”  
“I’ll be off to bed then. Thank you for telling me, Janet.”  
“Me too. Thank you for being supportive.”  
“Of course.”

Janet snuggled under her blankets, sighing. She felt really relieved after telling her mum, this coming out thing was difficult but the release after… was wonderful. She picked up her phone from the bedside table and texted Gill.  
You up? Xxx  
Yeah. What’s up cock?  
I told me mum  
How’d that go? What did Dorothy say? X  
She was really supportive, actually.  
I’m glad. How are you feeling about it?  
Relieved.  
You didn’t tell her about our little thing did you?  
GOD, no  
Aw but you know she loves me  
Yeah…  
Still thinking about earlier, btw ;)  
Oh, are you?  
You, my lady, are VERY good in bed  
Well that is the sort of feedback I like to hear. Are you free tomorrow? And more importantly, did you call Dodson?  
Yes, I did in fact call Dodson. She wants to have dinner on Sunday. I’m still available on Saturday for a shag with you of course Xxx  
Glad you can fit me in, heaven knows I need it.  
So do I.  
Goodnight, Gillian.  
Goodnight, sexy.  
I am not.  
See you tomorrow. And yes, YOU ARE.

Janet giggled and put her phone back on the bedside table. She drifted off, smiling into her pillow.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big thanks to my darling sam (ao3 user @undeniablysapphic) for helping me out of a rut with this one xxx

“Nice turtleneck.” Gill said smugly, knowing the reason her friend was wearing it.  
“How’re you this fine Saturday?” Janet asked as she stepped inside Gill’s house, the door clicked shut behind her.  
“Well I’m alright. I’d be better than alright if you were sitting on my face though.”  
“Oh right to the point then, are we? Well I believe I could have that arranged.” Janet turned them both around and pinned Gill against the front door, locking it, and laced her fingers with Gill’s, bringing both hands above her friend’s head, trapping her there.  
“Mmm…” Gill mumbled before Janet’s lips latched onto her, pressing her whole body against Gill’s, her knee between her thighs.  
They had to come up for air eventually, Gill grinding against Janet’s knee and sighing little sighs.  
“We should um… go to my bedroom and you can uh, sit on my face like you promised, eh cock?”  
Janet chuckled, “Don’t want someone to come to the door and knock when you’re halfway there, huh? Could be a disaster I suppose.” She released Gill just long enough to scoop her up and carry her bridal-style up the stairs to Gill’s bedroom, placing her gently onto the bed.

“You’re strong.”  
“I am a bit yeah, but then again, you are TINY.”  
“We’re the same height, actually!” Gill gave her a grouchy look.  
“But you’ve got little to no meat on your bones, baby.” Janet looked a tad worried. Gill pulled her shirt over her head, took Janet’s hand and put it on her belly, tensing her muscles.  
“I’m not malnourished, I’m just fit honey.” She chuckled and felt Janet’s hand on her abs, then creeping lower.  
“You are actually this ripped huh.”  
“We can’t all be noodles, Jan. As much as noodles do turn me on.”  
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, knobhead?”  
“Nothing!” Gill laughed.  
“Are you calling me a noodle?”  
“You are a VERY sexy noodle. Come here…”  
“I’m deciding to let this one slide, just once. Count your blessings, Gill Murray.” Janet took off her jeans and helped a lazy Gill out of hers, laying down beside her in bed.  
“I love how it’s the middle of the day and we’re doing this.” Gill chuckled.  
“It’s the weekend, love. We can do what we want.”  
“I’m so glad you haven’t changed. This feels just like we’re twenty six again…” She reminisced.  
“I would argue that it’s better.”  
“I think you’d be right. You. Are amazing,” She yanked Janet’s panties off and tossed them aside. Janet giggled, taking off her shirt and flinging it in the same direction, straddling Gill, moving up so that she was above Gill’s face, holding onto the headboard. Gill grabbed her thighs and pulled Janet down, causing her to let out a little gasp.

The long strokes of her tongue along Janet’s slit stopped and were quickly replaced by rapid licks to her clit. Janet moaned and ground down on Gill’s face, gripping the headboard. She threw her head back and started to establish a rhythm, going back and forth on Gill’s face. Gill looked up at her, liking what she saw, and pulled herself closer to Janet as she continued to go harder and faster. Janet, gripping the headboard harder as her knuckles went white and eyes fluttered shut, followed her lead as she ground harder, faster on Gill’s face. Janet’s moans became hotter and breathier as Gill dipped her tongue into her. That was enough to drive her over the edge, making her come hard all over Gill’s face. As Janet came down from her high, Gill planted one last open-mouthed kiss on each of her thighs. Janet crawled off of her face, laying down on her side, next to Gill. Looking over at her, Gill noticed the contemplative expression on Janet’s face.

“What’s up, cock?”  
“It’s not you, don’t think that… That was amazing. I want your tongue in me all the time.”  
“What’s troubling you, babe?”  
“I want to come out to my girls. I just… don’t know how.” Janet said softly.  
“Okay. Let’s talk about words. How to phrase it, you know? The best way to say it to them. Your mum already knows, so she’ll stand by you, right? You aren’t going to be alone.” Gill kissed her shoulder tenderly, conveying her support and affection.  
“I know. It’s still scary, though.”  
“I appreciate that, but it will feel better once it’s been said, you won’t have to wonder anymore. I know your girls love you so much, and I’m confident that they will accept you.”  
“I know they do…”  
“I love you, Janet. I’m here to support you. Always.”  
Janet began to cry just then, wet, salty tears spilling out of her huge blue eyes and onto her cheeks. She snuffled.  
“Baby…” Gill whispered, concern in her voice. She put her arms around her friend. Janet’s shoulders shook and Gill kissed her salty cheeks, wiping the tears away as they dripped out of her eyes.  
“It’s just… so hard.”  
“I know, I know.”  
“I’m gonna do it when I get home because I can’t stand the feeling like I’m lying to them any longer. I don’t like it and I want them to know, I want them to be included. I’m their mum.”  
“Just, be calm, be gentle with your words and tell them. They might need some time, but I know that they would accept you. I’m sure of it, Jan.”  
“I didn’t want to be like this, today. I’m sorry.”  
“Hey, hey. Don’t be sorry. I’m here for you, for better or for worse. I’ve stuck by you this long, haven’t I? You’re alright…”

Janet’s mouth latched onto her’s, stopping Gill from finishing her sentence. She allowed Janet to slip her tongue in, welcoming all the little nips and licks that came with kissing Janet. Her friend was a good kisser, Gill had noticed and appreciated this.  
“What was that for?” Asked Gill, out of breath.  
“You said you loved me. I love you, too.”  
“I…”  
“Now can i eat that pussy of yours? I’m done being stroppy.”


	6. Chapter 6

Janet leaned into the kiss, Gill’s fingers were tangled in her hair, a smile was on her lips. They were in the doorway to Gill’s house, saying goodbye. The neighbors could’ve seen them if they were looking and that was part of the fun. Janet needed that confidence, and so did Gill a little bit, too. 

“Mum?” Sammy approached slowly, he was back from Orla’s.  
Janet and Gill pulled apart from each other quickly, lips puffy.  
“Didn’t expect you for another hour or so! Come on in.”  
“Hi mum… Janet.” Sammy nodded at her and Janet blushed. She was his godmother and had known the lad all of his life, so this encounter was a little awkward.  
“Hi Sammy, I was just going but I wanted to say, congrats on you and Orla. You’re getting engaged?”  
“Uh… yeah. We are. Thank you, Janet. So are you and mum …?”  
“I’m right here, and no, we’re not… together if that’s what you’re asking, Sam. It’s complicated but nothing is going to change from how it was I assure you.”  
“I wouldn’t mind. If you were, I mean.” He smiled at his godmother and squeezed her arm.  
“I know you wouldn’t. Thank you love. Now let’s let Janet go home to her girls and not leave this door open another hundred years. come on!” She guided her son inside the foyer and gave her friend one last kiss on the lips before waving goodbye and shutting the door.  
“Good luck, Janet.” She whispered once she had gone.  
“What’s up with you two?” Sammy questioned. “I didn’t have Janet down as being your type.”  
“Let’s just say… nothing that hasn’t happened before and no, she isn’t really my type. We’re just friends, and what we have is something we both need at the moment, nothing more.”  
“Alright mum, as long as you’re happy, and she’s happy. That’s all that matters.”  
“I got so lucky with you, Sammy.” Gill teared up and pulled her son into a hug, squeezing him tight.  
“I’m the lucky one, mum.”

Janet’s perched on the arm rest of the couch, like she always does. She sips her tea with too much sugar in it, figuring it’ll calm her. It doesn’t. Elise and Tasie are sat on the couch as well, watching Gavin and Stacey, she watches them, their eyes properly glued to the screen.  
“When this programme is finished can I talk to you both?”  
Two heads nod in unison.  
“Thank you.” Janet returns her attention to her tea, swirling it around before polishing it off.  
Run by Stephen Fretwell plays and Tasie clicks off the telly, turning to face her mother. Dorothy enters the room just then and sits down in the space next to the far armrest where Janet is sat.  
“Spit it out, mother.” Tasie said sassily. Janet was already scared and that hadn’t helped, but she knew that Tasie was just like that. She didn’t mean it to threaten her. Dorothy put a hand on Janet’s knee for reassurance.  
“I’ve done a lot of thinking and there’s no best way to put this as it just is what it is. I hope that you’ll love me in spite of it, it won’t change anything really but I don’t like feeling like I’m keeping such an important part of myself from you, my family. It’s something that I’ve been insecure about, something I’ve pushed down, ignored, denied, felt ashamed of. But I’m not ashamed anymore, and I’ve accepted it for what it is.” Janet paused, taking a breath. She’d peaked their interest.  
“I’ve come to terms with it and now I don’t want to keep it from you any longer so, I’m a lesbian. I like women, always have.” Janet looked at her socks. Quiet.  
“That actually makes… a LOT of sense. Holy shit.” Tasie said dramatically.  
“Don’t swear!”  
“Rachel.”  
“What about her, Tasie?”  
“You were in love with Rachel…”  
“What makes you think that?” Janet blushed and hid her face.  
“She were always over here… did you /do/ anything?”  
“What? NO!”  
“Darn. She is reaaally hot though.”  
“Tasie!” Elise swatted her sister’s arm.  
“What? She is. I’d marry her.”  
“I’m glad we can agree on that then, Tas.” Janet buried her face in her hands, a bit embarrassed but also cracking up. Tasie was so blunt and hilarious.  
“So you’re… okay with it then?” She looked up at her daughters, still pink from the Rachel questions.  
“Of course we are, mum. I love you no matter what.” Elise took Janet’s hand and squeezed it.  
“I mean, I can’t judge you because ME TOO. Get that coochie, ma.”  
“TASIE!” Dorothy piped up.  
Janet laughed, her face getting redder by the minute.  
“I love you. All of you. Wackos.”  
“Hey! Only Tasie is a wacko!”  
“Okay, fair.”  
“Dragged under the bus by me own mum. Thanks for that.”  
“It was only in fun, darling. I’m proud of you for telling us about you as well, it made it easier for me.”  
“Well, YOU made it easier for me. Bisexual and proud!” Tasie flashed her a peace sign, grinning. Janet hugged Elise and Tasie in turn, giving a hug to her mother as well.  
“I’m going up to bed, it’s been a long day and now I’ve got that weight off my shoulders. Goodnight girls.”  
“Goodnight mum!”  
“‘Night Janet.” Dorothy smiled softly at her.

Janet smiled in the dark, picking up her phone from the nightstand.  
Hey. How’re you? How’s Sammy? -Jx  
I explained to him loosely our situation but ultimately, he knows nothing. I’m thinking about tomorrow, and Julie. Did you tell the girls? -Gxx  
Yeah I did. Went well, relieved now. Turns out Tasie is bi, she told me! I’m glad she did and me telling them made it easier for her too.  
Like me then, eh. She’s a good kiddo.  
She’s had the hots for our Sherlock too it seems.  
Oh no not another one. Bailey has got quite a hold on you Scott women, hasn’t she?  
Shut up, it’s not as if you’ve never looked at her over the years.  
True.  
So you can’t say anything.  
Right.  
So… Julie.  
What about her  
You’re seeing her tomorrow!  
I know. Currently losing my shit trying to figure out what to wear. Can’t look desperate.  
Wear that black dress, it’s not awfully fancy but it IS sexy.  
Is that what you think about in the office then, eh?  
On occasion.  
Hmm… you’ll have to let me know next time… we could always have a quickie in the loo.  
Gillian!  
What?  
We shouldn’t shag at work!  
Who says we couldn’t? I’m the boss ;)  
Oh I know you are  
Just let me know if you ever fancy one at work… I’ll make it happen  
Thanks babe. Can always count on you X  
Anytime, Janet.  
Damn now I can’t stop thinking about it…  
Is that so?  
I’m, um…  
Wet?  
Yeah, that.  
Shall I type dirty to you then, cock?  
Oh… if you would i’d fancy it.


	7. Chapter 7

Janet found herself looking at Gill’s fingers again. It was Friday, and Gill was talking to Mitch on the stairs, Janet wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying, but the conversation wasn’t meant for her anyways. All she seemed to think about was what those fingers could do to her, what they had done to her. She swallowed, shifting her weight. 

“You alright, Janet?” Mitch asked her, concerned. Janet seemed unusually not all there, like she was a million miles away and normally she would be more attentive.  
“Uh… yeah. I’m fine. Just tired is all.” She gave him a reassuring smile like she always did and felt her face getting warm, she was going to turn red. “Actually I might need the loo… I do feel a bit woozy.”  
“As long as you’re alright, off you pop then.” Mitch put a hand on her upper arm and squeezed it, still looking worried but he knew that this was Janet, Janet who wasn’t a fan of being helped. Janet who did all the helping and never told anyone when she wasn’t doing so well. She hadn’t seemed upset though, he concluded, just a bit …not herself. Mitch decided not to puzzle any further as Janet made her way down the stairs of the MIT building, leaving behind himself and their boss.

Locking herself in the far stall, Janet allowed herself to properly think what she had been thinking earlier. She needed to give herself this time or else she’d go mad, having to see Gill all the time and at work too, where she was her boss and Janet needed to keep her hands to herself. It was hard to look at Gill and see her properly, lately. Nearly impossible with all the lust Janet felt and all the glorious and extremely recent memories she had. Before, if she was remembering, at least it was distant, not fresh and so near like the other night. 

They had been at Gill’s, as always. They would never fuck at Janet’s place what with the girls and Dorothy and the chance of Adrian being there… that would be awkward. It was much too busy a house, and Gill’s was quiet. Sammy was out a lot and he was old enough to come and go as he wished, more or less, though Gill could count on his absence at certain times and that was when Janet would come over. 

Janet had been becoming more and more bold as the days went by and the two of them regained the comfort they had felt with one another when they were twenty-six. Gill was surprised by some of what she had wanted, but always obliged and they both enjoyed the sense of experimentation, and the fact that they could be open with each other more than they could with anyone else. 

Janet pushed her back against the wall of the bathroom stall, trying to keep her knees from giving out as she granted herself this one time today that she would think about - remember - Gill in that way.

They hadn’t talked much at all. The previous time she’d been over, it was the day after Gill’s date with Julie and she’d told her how it’d gone. One kiss on the cheek, Gill said. She had feared she’d overstepped, but Julie’s perfume smelled good and it was dark. She couldn’t see her face. Gill worried what Julie must’ve thought, because nothing more was said after, as the kiss had been given in parting. Janet wondered if they’d have to end whatever they were doing if Julie wanted her. She supposed they would.

Would she even be able to stop, though? Janet thought about it, realizing just how much she seemed to need this. Needed to be fucked, deep and hard and rough by Gill. Never before did she think she’d find herself whispering those words to herself in a bathroom stall, but here she was. Whatever she asked, Gill seemed to give it to her, and sometimes she needed so much. Janet didn’t know where that desire came from.

Thinking again about Gill’s fingers, Janet remembered vividly the feel of four of them thrusting in and out of her and still, asking, begging for more. The way it felt when Gill’s knuckles made their way past her entrance, all lubed up, and how it was painful, initially, but once inside, Gill’s hand had made her feel so full and stretched like this was the more that she had always seemed to crave. There couldn't be anything more than this, it seemed, as Gill made a fist inside her and started to move, Janet’s leg hooked over her right shoulder and trembling. 

“Please, Gill…” Janet had husked, legs spread impossibly wide and Gill’s whole hand inside her.  
“Please what?” Gill leaned down to kiss her neck, soft and wet and with teeth. Janet whimpered loudly.  
“Fuck me harder.” Janet moaned and Gill thrust inside of her, bringing her to the edge for the first time in this way, though not for the first time that evening. Janet had cried out, coming like she hadn’t known she could before her and Gill had gotten back together.   
“Mmm my favourite little squirter… let’s do that again.” Gill had been rather pleased with herself, as she was every time she got her friend to orgasm like that. Janet had stopped shaking and looked Gill straight into her hazel eyes, conveying just how much she wanted this, wanted her.  
“Please.”  
And they were at it again, and Janet had felt so full and well-fucked, like she couldn’t possibly beg for more. She couldn’t really complain, having come six times in the past hour and a half. Gill made her hand into a ‘duck shape’, she had called it, and guided it out of Janet as gently as possible. Even so, Janet let out a yelp when Gill’s knuckles popped out of her, and Gill stroked her hair and kissed her soft and slow, the pain fading away. Gill stretched her hand, rolling her wrist and flexing her fingers, it wasn’t the easiest on her either. Gill had laid down beside Janet, cupping her friend’s cheek in her hand as Janet turned to face her, kissing soft and wet and slow. Gill’s lips wandered back down her neck and further, kissing what seemed like every inch of Janet’s naked body.

Janet was breathing rather unevenly, remembering all of this. It was hot in here, and her body felt like the slightest touch would make her lose her mind. She tried to slow her breathing, make it steady. In and out slowly, her hand on her stomach.   
She could hear the door open and Gill’s voice saying her name, trying to locate her.  
“In here.” Janet croaked, unlocking the stall so that Gill could get to her.  
“Hey.” Gill said, softly, opening the door just enough to join Janet in the last stall, and locked it again. “What’s up?”  
“Oh, nothing really just… wow, I’m really horny today and your whole existence isn’t helping.”  
“Anything I could do to um, help?” Gill asked playfully, her eyes sparkling.  
“Just kiss me, please. I need it today.”  
“I can do that.” Gill pushed her against the wall, pressing her whole body against Janet’s, lips and tongue and teeth clashing. Janet’s arms were around her neck, pulling Gill closer to her, melting onto her. Janet lifted herself and wrapped both of her legs around Gill’s waist with her help, Gill’s hands underneath her, keeping her up.   
“This is nice,” Janet mumbled against her lips.  
“Especially this bit.” Gill nodded to Janet’s legs that were wrapped around her middle. Gill lifted one hand up, leaving the other to support Janet’s weight, and slid it between their bodies, along Janet’s breasts through her clothing and down, cupping her centre. Janet’s breath hitched.  
“You’re very warm.” Gill said in observation.  
“Just the effect that you have on me…” She looked at her with lust in her big blue eyes and written on her face. Gill wedged her hand in tight between them, feeling Janet’s hips grind against her as she kissed down her friend’s neck, Janet’s whimpers making her smile into the kisses.  
“Oh, Gill.” Janet moaned quietly in her ear, “We can’t actually do this here. We just can’t we have to stop, someone could… walk in!” her voice went high for a second as Gill’s fingers entered her panties.   
“This really isn’t gonna take long, you’re soaking.” Gill sounded logical when she said this, and Janet was so needy at this point, how could she object?  
“Get it over with then, before someone misses us and goes looking.” Janet husked. “Just fuck me, Gill Murray.”  
With those words of encouragement, Gill thrust three fingers into Janet, hard, pulling them almost completely out of her before going for it again. Janet was breathing heavily, and it was taking a lot of effort to keep her legs wrapped around Gill’s waist as she fucked her hard against the bathroom wall. With one last hard thrust, Janet clenched around the three fingers that were inside her, muffling her cry against Gill’s shoulder, whimpering softly as her legs dropped and Gill steadied her, setting her back down on the ground and keeping her upright. Gill quickly did Janet’s trousers back up and kissed her once more.   
“Better?”  
“Well I’m rather a mess now but yeah, better.”  
“You can’t tell.”  
“My trousers are wrinkled.”  
“Nobody looks at them.”  
“I have spares in my locker anyways. It’s okay.”

Just then, the door to the bathroom opened and the two could hear footsteps, then a voice.  
“Jan? DCI Murray?” Rachel called, apparently they had been missed after all.  
Janet and Gill looked at eachother. Shit.  
“Uh, yeah we’re both here Rach. Nobody’s disappeared. What’s happened?”  
Gill quickly crouched down and snuck under the divider to the next stall, Janet mouthing ‘GO!’ and waving her hands in that direction. Janet left the stall, looking a bit wobbly.  
“We’ve found some evidence suggesting that…” Rachel stopped for a second and looked at Janet, her hair a mess, trousers wrinkled and lipstick smeared. Janet looked in the mirror.   
“Good God… I look a fright. Sorry about this, Rach.” Rachel’s eyes narrowed, and Gill came out of the stall next to where Janet had been. There was lipstick on her as well, but it wasn’t hers.  
“Janet, what is going on? I’ve been confused since that time you…”  
“Since I snogged you and you never mentioned it afterwards? I’m confused too, to be frank.”  
Gill cleared her throat. “Rachel, can you please give us a minute? I’d appreciate if you didn’t… tell anyone. I don’t know what you’re thinking but I have an idea and you should know that our - mine and Janet’s - relationship does not need to become office gossip, is that clear?”  
“Of course, boss.”  
“Thank you.”  
Rachel left them and Janet started fixing herself up, washing away the lipstick smears and combing her hair out with her fingers.  
“Thank you for telling her, Gill. I like not hiding.”  
“Of course, love. Are you okay, though?”  
“I think I am, yeah. Her and I are going to have to talk soon though.”  
“Right. Okay, I’ve clearly got to get back. Come to mine after work?”  
“Yes.” Janet kissed her soft and quick, a promise. “I… love you.” she whispered.  
“I love you too, Jan.” Gill whispered back as they parted ways.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gill could forget, as Janet made her come again, and again still. Gill could just forget about what Janet might’ve been troubled with, could forget her own name, even.

Janet was sat cross-legged on the end of Gill’s bed, twirling a strand of her blonde hair around her index finger.  
“Tell me more about Julie, you didn’t say too much last time, only how it went.” Janet said softly, looking at Gill with interest and worry in her big blue eyes. And something else, Gill noticed, but she couldn’t place it.  
“Julie… I’ve known her for a long time. Almost as long as I have known you.”  
“Yeah.” Janet continued to fiddle with her golden locks, staring at the ground in such a way that she seemed someplace else, not really there.  
“I don’t know, I think I’ve fancied her for years just not quite entertained the thought that she might want me too. Like I said before, it’s hard to tell where we stand right now.”  
“What will happen if she does, want you?” Janet pronounces her p’s harder when she’s unsure of how her words will land, and over the years, Gill has noticed this and the way her eyes go down, seeming to follow the arch of her nose and how her gaze rests uncomfortably in her lap, fingers folding and unfolding the hem of her shirt. There is a short pause.  
“What do you mean?” Gill is pretty sure she knows, but wants to hear it from Janet. Janet needs to say it.  
“To us, to our arrangement. If she wants you, to be with you, we’re going to have to call this off, because you need to be loyal.”  
“Right. Well that hasn’t happened yet, Janet. And I’m not sure it ever will just— don’t worry for now, please. Just be here, now.” Gill sat down directly behind Janet on the bed and wrapped her arms around Janet’s waist.  
“Yeah.”  
Gill pushed her face against Janet’s shoulder, sniffing her cardi and inhaling the scent of fabric softener and soap and Janet’s shampoo. Janet let out a sigh, melting against Gill’s touch. Gill began to play with her long blonde hair, running her fingers through its golden softness, taking Janet’s hands away from playing with it, and tucking it behind her ears, kissing the side her neck softly. Janet let out a shuttery sigh.  
“Ohh…” Janet could feel her heart beating faster, and her stomach exploding with butterflies as if she were on a roller coaster, plummeting down then up again. She didn’t know how Gill had come to have such an effect on her, she had never wanted this. Gill’s hands slipped under her shirt, caressing the soft skin of Janet’s waist and belly. Janet leaned back against Gill’s body, letting out a whimper.  
“Don’t you worry, baby. Just be here, now.”  
“I am. I am now, Gillian.” Her voice was deeper, breathy. Janet took Gill’s hand that was on her belly in her own and pushed it down further, past the waistband of her trousers and into her panties. She uncrossed her legs to avoid discomfort.  
“What would you like, Jan?”  
“Just make it soft. I need it soft, today.” She liked the fact that Gill couldn’t see her face from this position, she didn’t have to hide the fact that she was starting to feel a little more than what this arrangement allowed. Janet took the lead, guiding Gill’s hand down further, their fingers laced together, it seemed more intimate somehow than what they’d done before. But Janet was safe in the fact that Gill couldn’t see her eyes misting up a tiny bit as she swallowed hard, choking down whatever it was that she felt. Gill could feel her swallow, but she didn’t say anything. How could she? She didn’t understand everything of what Janet felt, and she felt so much and so very deeply, Gill had never known quite what to do with it. Janet’s hips lifted a little as she guided their fingers into her wet folds, stroking herself with Gill’s hand, fingers on and inside her.  
“Can you? ... Here.” Janet took Gill’s free hand in her other hand and brought it up from its position around her waist to her throat. She guided Gill so that she was holding her throat, just under the jaw. Janet dropped her hand, leaving Gill’s. “Tighten. There.” She said and Gill’s hand tightened just enough to make her breathing slightly off, just enough to feel it there. “And hold. Just like that.”  
“Alright. You’ll tell me if you’re not comfy anymore, okay Janet?”  
“I will yeah. I just… need. This. I need you to give me this.”  
“I know.” Gill kissed her shoulder and started to move their fingers again, two of Janet’s and one of Gill’s, in and out.  
“Here,” Gill took Janet’s out and guided her up to her clit. “I’ll do this.” She thrust three fingers back into Janet, then four. Janet whimpered loudly, rubbing her clit in fast circles.  
“A bit tighter please, and a bit harder.” She croaked, and Gill thrust deeper, harder than she had been, tightening her grip on Janet’s throat just a little bit, she could feel her swallow.  
“All right?”  
“Yes.” Janet moaned, rocking her hips against their hands. And then she came, shuddering and moaning Gill’s name. Gill loosened her grip on Janet’s throat.  
“No.”  
“Janet…”  
“Okay just, let me take my clothes off then. But I want your hand there.” She demanded, guiding her and Gill’s hands out of her panties and rising from the bed. Janet pulled her trousers off and discarded them in the corner along with her white blouse and beige cardigan and bra. Gill watched her, trying to read Janet’s expression, but she was avoiding showing her face.  
“Gill.” She stood facing the wall, wanting Gill to stand behind her.  
“Yeah.” She was still fully clothed, and Janet could feel the buttons on her shirt and the buckle of her belt, cold against her skin. Gill brought her right hand between Janet’s legs, her fingers connecting with Janet’s clit, stroking in slow circles. Janet put her hands on the wall, leaning.  
“Throat, please.”  
“Yes MA’AM.” Gill chuckled at this, Janet was the one who called HER ma’am, at least in the workplace. She placed her hand on Janet’s throat, tightening a bit. “You good?”  
“Yeah. Fuck me, please.” Janet bent over a bit more and spread her legs, feeling Gill’s fingers move from her clit to her entrance and back, teasing her. She entered Janet with four fingers and thrust, bringing them all the way out before going in again, Janet crying out.  
“Just tell me if it’s too tight, okay?”  
“It isn’t, Gill, it’s fine.”  
“Okay.”  
Janet came, but Gill kept going, thrusting into Janet until she came for the third time, and then the fourth. 

Afterwards, Janet lay on the bed while Gill removed her clothes, then laid down beside her friend. Janet placed a hand on her cheek.  
“Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome?” Gill still couldn’t seem to figure Janet out, and she doubted she ever would. She would have to be content for the time being with Janet’s mouth on her’s, her teeth nibbling Gill’s bottom lip, her tongue sliding along Gill’s own. She would have to be content with Janet’s thumb circling her clit, three fingers dipping inside her and out again, and Janet’s mouth replacing it all, sucking, licking, making her come. Again and again and again. She would never figure Janet out, it seemed. But did it matter? Not compared to the way it felt when Janet slid her tongue along her slit, no. Not in comparison to all those kisses to Gill’s inner thighs, wet and with teeth. Gill could forget as Janet made her come again, and again still. Gill could just forget about what Janet might’ve been troubled with, Gill could forget her own name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N i’m in for the long haul with this one, some validation would help 🥰 i’m really gonna stick with it i swear, i’m really enjoying this fic. please comment if you’re enjoying it or if there’s anything i could improve lmao xxx S


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Gillian,” She said properly.  
“What, Janet?”  
“Do YOU love me?”  
“I don’t think so, no.”  
“Good.” She said it firmly, confidently.

“Janet.”  
“Gillian,”  
Gill opened the door and let her friend into the house. Janet looked… distressed. Her perfect eyebrows worried, not like their usual arches.   
“I have to talk to you, Jan. But what’s wrong?”  
“Nothing is wrong. I’m perfectly well.” Janet said the words hard, stressing her p’s again, something was certainly off.  
“I’ll tell you mine first then, won’t push you.” Gill looked at her, concerned, placing a hand on Janet’s waist. Janet leaned back against the wall, Gill was so close again. Close enough to hope that she couldn’t see what was bothering her. Gill let out a breath. Janet held hers. Gill continued, “I slept with Julie, last night. I think she wants to give it a go, and that means…”  
“We can’t do this. Anymore. I know.” Janet took Gill’s hand off her, pushing it away. Looking at the tile, Janet let out a shaky breath, as quietly as she could.  
“One last time?” Gill moved forward, Janet turning her head away. Gill planted a kiss on the side of her neck.  
“I can’t. It’s not fair to Julie.”  
“I haven’t said we ARE giving it a go, I think we will. future tense. She hasn’t said yes or no, I haven’t asked and neither has she. But I want to, Janet.”  
“You take your pick.” Janet uttered coldly.  
“I want you Janet, just one last time.”  
Janet looked up, back into Gill’s hazel eyes. She wasn’t crying, she looked… angry. Deep, deep down inside. Just the faintest shadow of it in the bright blue of her irises, barely enough for Gill to register.  
“Then you will have me.”

“Janet?” Gill asked, out of breath from coming. She was behind Janet now, spooning her, holding her together in the best way she knew how in this moment to do so.  
“What?”  
“Do you… love me?”  
“No.”  
Janet wasn’t facing her, or else Gill would have seen how hurt she was. Pressed against Janet’s back, she gripped her friend’s waist with her hands. Pressing down a bit too hard, Janet’s skin going white.   
“I hope. I hope that it bruises.” Janet muttered, barely understandable to Gill. “Gillian,” She said properly.  
“What, Janet?”  
“Do YOU love me?”  
“I don’t think so, no.”  
“Good.” She said it firmly, confidently. “And Gill?”  
“Yes?” Janet took Gill’s hand from her waist and guided it to her clit.  
“Fuck me once more, and then I will leave.” She bossed, turning around in Gill’s arms to face her, throwing back the sheets from on top of them.  
Janet laid down on her back in the middle of the bed, Gill sitting between her legs, looking at her face, concerned.   
“Tell me what’s wrong.”  
“No, Gill. I really don’t need to.”  
“If you’re sure then.” Janet looked at her properly, big blue eyes boring into her soul.  
“Don’t think about it, Gill. Really, don’t. You’ve got your girl and I wanted that for you too. I did. And you deserve to be happy.”  
“Right”  
“Just do this one last thing for me before I go, and you needn’t be gentle just,”  
“What?”  
“Just fist me again like you did before. Your whole hand inside of me. I want to feel it.” She says it so calmly, and Gill marvels at this, her ability to say something like that so matter-of-fact. She nods.  
“Janet…” Gill says her name, quiet and gentle like she fears she’ll break it. She reaches for the lube on her side table and rubs an adequate amount onto her hand and wrist. Janet watches her, calculating, then looks back to her face, eyes pleading. Gill slides her finger along Janet’s slit, entering her with two, then three fingers. Janet’s face softened a bit, she was relaxing finally, which was the aim. One cannot get a fist inside someone who is tense, at least not very comfortably. Gill leaned down, licking Janet’s clit until she came around four of her fingers, whimpering. Janet hooked her leg over Gill’s right shoulder, feeling her hand press in, her thumb enter slowly. Janet yelped as Gill’s knuckles made it past her opening.  
“You’re all right?”  
“Yeah. Thank you.”  
Gill began to move, slowly, then harder when Janet begged her for it. Gill kissed her way down Janet’s neck, her chest and her collarbones, leaving behind bruises that she knew Janet wanted there. A reminder that this had happened.  
Janet cried out, squirting again and asking for more, just once more. Gill obliged and continued to thrust into her, Janet shaking and moaning her name in pleasure. Coming again before letting Gill pull out, slowly and gently.   
“Thanks, pal.” Janet said, rising up from where she had been, and stood naked beside the bed, looking down at Gill.  
“It’s been good.”  
“It has. I’m sorry to leave you but I hope you and Julie have a wonderful relationship. You deserve each other, it’s what you’ve wanted.”  
“I’ll miss… this. You.”  
“You’ll see me at work.”  
“Not the same.”  
“You can’t have me while you are hers, I said what I said. Thank you, Gill. Maybe it’s the push I need to put myself out there not hide between the sheets of your bed. I’ll find someone.” Janet spoke very matter-of-fact and it was so hard for Gill to tell what she was thinking or feeling. Janet kissed her long and hard, one last time, drawing out a moan from Gill.  
“Janet, I—“  
“Goodbye, Gill. See you tomorrow.” Janet grabbed her clothes from various spots of the floor, dressing herself as she was leaving.  
“See you, Janet.” Gill remained on the bed, wondering what had just happened. Wondering why she felt so sad. She couldn’t understand. She didn’t want to.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this moment, here with Rachel, it wouldn’t matter. It didn’t. It didn’t matter if Rachel still loved her tomorrow, Janet didn’t care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is totally for @witchoooo enjoy x

They were in the pub, The Grapes. Syndicate 9 was celebrating, they’d been able to charge a man guilty of rape and murder, after much time had passed on the case. It was a relief, they’d gotten sufficient evidence and that meant that he was behind bars, and Manchester was a safer place without him. Gill was proud of her team and offered them all drinks at The Grapes, on her. 

Janet sat a bit apart from the others, something was wrong as she’d normally join in the fun, joke with Rob and tease Kevin. She was quiet, and on her fourth glass of wine that evening, more than what she’d usually drink. Rachel sat down beside her, and put her hand on Janet’s upper arm, squeezing to offer reassurance.  
“Hey, pal. Why so glum?”  
“I don’t know if I should tell you, to be honest.” Janet gave a side glance, indicating to Gill. Rachel nodded, she knew what that meant having caught Janet and Gill having… a bit of a moment in the loo at work a week or so previously.   
“Do you want to go somewhere else? Do you wanna get shitfaced? I know I do.”  
“Can’t see the harm, I’m already at a new low.” Janet said sarcastically and grabbed her things. “Let’s get out of here.”  
Janet waved awkwardly to Gill as she’d noticed them leaving, Gill gave her a glance, looking at Rachel, then back to her, signalling bad idea. Janet rolled her eyes back, so were you. 

“So, what’s with you and Godzilla now?” They were in a bar, in Chadderton. Dangerously close to Rachel’s flat, Janet thought.  
“Oh just, she’s found something better is all. I mean, what should I have expected? It was a feelings-free arrangement. Well, supposed to be.”  
“Supposed to be?” Rachel raised one eyebrow.  
“I’m an idiot.”  
“What, Janet?”  
“I don’t really like… feeling, much.”  
“Yeah me neither! Could you tell?” Rachel took a swig of her drink, aggressively.  
“Never guessed.” Janet said sarcastically.  
“Janet.”  
“Yes?”  
“That time you kissed me… why?”  
“Well erm, that was a rough day for me.”  
“I could tell.”  
“And I fancied you. So much, and for so long.” She looked at the floor, turning pink. She wouldn’t have said it, but fuck it. She was angry with her situation, and she didn’t care anymore. Might as well get it out in the open.  
“It’s okay, Janet.” Rachel held her hand that was on the table, squeezing it.  
“Is it?” Janet said it, rather than asking it, though it was technically a question.  
“More than okay.”  
Janet looked up into Rachel’s soft eyes. She seemed to forget all the hurt, it was okay now. In this moment, here with Rachel, it wouldn’t matter. It didn’t. It didn’t matter if Rachel still loved her tomorrow, Janet didn’t care anymore.  
“What does that mean, Rach? What do you… want. From me. What will you let me give to you?” Janet was bolder now, the alcohol flowing sufficiently through her bloodstream, her frustration with Gill and with herself seemed to cloud over her usual worries.  
“You want me?”  
“Yes,” Janet husked, sliding her hand along Rachel’s thigh beneath the table.   
“Oh,” Rachel breathed in sharply.  
“Do you… Can I? Do you want…”  
“I’ve not been with a woman before, I’d do it for you. Let’s… my flat isn’t far.”  
“If you’re sure.”  
“You only live once.”

Walking towards Rachel’s flat, Janet stopped. Grabbing Rachel’s hand, she lead her just off the street into an alley just a little ways.  
“What’s this?” Rachel was cut off by Janet’s mouth hot on hers, her back slammed against the brick wall on one side of the street.   
“Just wanted one kiss first. I’ve dreamed of this since… God knows.”  
“Dreamt of?”  
“Fucking you.” Janet whispered into her ear, kissing down the side of her neck.  
“Let’s get home so that you can… “ Rachel said, out of breath from snogging.  
“Let’s. Or I might be tempted to eat you out against the wall right here, right now.”  
“Woah there, mate.”  
“Let’s get to your flat then.”

Rachel opened the door and shut it as quietly as possible, Sean was asleep on the couch and this was so risky. Janet grinned, drunk and horny, she liked the idea of a risk being involved. Even so, her motherly instincts weren’t all gone, and she could still play the voice of reason.  
“Are you sure that this is wise?”  
“He sleeps like a log, Jan. Don’t even think about it. We’ll do it in the loo, if he hears anything he can just think I’m having a wank and we can uh, sneak you out somehow.”  
“Alright Sherlock, lead the way.” Janet didn’t want to think right now, just wanted to know the taste of her. The feel of Rachel. How her orgasm would feel against Janet’s mouth and fingers. She’d wondered so long, and she was going to get answers shortly.

Rachel locked the bathroom door and pinned Janet against it, kissing her frantically, all tongue and teeth, drawing out a soft moan from Janet’s lips.  
“Quiet.” Rachel breathed.  
“That WAS quiet. For me.”   
Rachel chuckled, imagining what Janet would be like if noises were welcome.   
“Against that wall there, ma’am.” Janet pointed to the only appropriate space to lean against, the door would be too loud.   
“Just how I want it, you calling me ma’am.” Rachel winked. She stood with her back to the wall, leaning against it. Janet kissed her neck roughly, feeling her way around Rachel’s body.   
“You’re good with this, yeah?”  
“If you left me hanging now, Janet, I’d be pretty disappointed.”  
“Good good.” Janet smirked and undid Rachel’s jeans, pulling them down to her ankles and getting up to sit on the edge of the tub, Rachel was taller than Gill so this wasn’t quite as easy to maneuver.  
“Stand in front.” Janet told her, guiding Rachel by her hips so that she was level with Janet’s face. She spread her legs a little wider, holding the handle beside the shower for support. Maybe that’s what it was there for.  
Janet kissed the insides of her thighs, causing Rach to whimper softly.  
“Shh.” Janet scolded. She brought her face to Rachel’s center and circled her clit with her tongue, Rachel struggled to be quiet. Janet ran a finger along her slit, then entered her with two fingers, mouth sucking her clit. Rachel came quickly, and Janet kept going, bringing her off twice more.  
“That’s never happened.” Rachel gasped.  
“Oh?” Janet whispered. “Well this is what you’ve been missing then.” She chuckled. Rachel pulled her pants back on, Smiling.   
Janet kissed her once more, holding Rachel’s hair in both hands, tangling her fingers in it. She broke the kiss, breathing heavily.   
“See you tomorrow, Sherlock.”  
“See you, Jan. I hope your love troubles sort out.”   
“Thanks mate. I’ll sneak past Sean, he wouldn’t suspect me anyways and I can still hear him snoring.”  
“Thanks again for the… multiple orgasms.”   
Janet chuckled, “One time thing, only, Rachel. I hope you can find someone proper who can do that for you… not me.” She kissed Rachel once on the cheek and left her standing in the bathroom.


	11. Chapter 11

Janet was sat typing away in the dim light of the office of the MIT building. She is the only one still there, aside from her boss and DSI Julie Dodson, who were chatting seriously about their current case, which had both syndicates 9 and 3 working on it as was so big. Janet observed the two of them in Gill’s office, she couldn’t hear what their words were, but she felt the mood become tender, Julie moving closer to Gill, her hand on her upper arm. Janet looked away. Julie was kissing HER Gill and she knew it, and however happy Janet was that Gill got what she wanted, who she wanted, in Julie, she couldn’t shake the feeling of jealousy that had washed over her. Janet looked up, just for a second, to see if she was right, and she was. Gill was pressed against her desk with Julie melting into her, just the way Janet used to. She looked away and packed up, heading out. She was able to finish this report tomorrow. Right now, Janet needed a drink.

And a shag, she thought to herself as she stood in the shower, shaving her legs. Normally, she would just go straight to The Grapes, but not tonight. Tonight she would go somewhere new, and dress up. Look desperate enough to get a shag out of someone decent. 

She chooses a tight black dress, with ¾ length sleeves, black nylons and chunky heeled boots over her matching underwear, red lace that she’d bought for Gill to see her in. But Gill had never seen it, and so it was new. Janet smirked with the knowledge that her friend was missing out, then frowned, knowing that she was probably in bed with Julie at this very moment. Janet mentally kicked herself and grabbed her purse, tossing in her bullet vibe as an afterthought.

“Mum I’m going out! You’ll be okay here with the girls?”  
“You’re looking fancy! Where are you off to? Someone special?” Janet rolled her eyes.  
“No, mum. Just out. But don’t wait up for me, I’ll be pissed up to my eyeballs, as Rach would say.”  
“Be safe. I know you’re an adult… but BE SAFE!”  
“I’m forty-nine years old, mum. I can handle myself.”  
“Have a good night, love. I’ll take good care of our girls.”  
“Thank you, mum. I love you.” Janet gave her a kiss on the cheek and left, the front door closing firmly behind her.

She drove, not certain of where she really meant to go, until she was near Canal Street. Janet parked her car, locked it, and wrote down the whereabouts of it in the notes of her phone, so that she could find it tomorrow. 

Janet tucked her hair behind her ears and walked, peering into the windows of various pubs and restaurants until she found a bar not familiar to her, with the right amount of people in it, not terribly crowded but not empty. A decent enough place to be drinking alone on a Friday night. She enters and finds that she doesn’t stand out which is good, her grey coat makes the fanciness of the rest of her outfit disappear, and she finds that she doesn’t look like she’s trying desperately to look good, which had been her fear. She feels perfectly fine if only she could manage to ignore the fact that Gill is fucking someone else tonight instead of her, and that she is left feeling desperate and horny, planning to get so pissed that she’ll forget it all.

“Scotch, please.” She barely looks at the bartender, just pulls out the money and hands it to her.  
“You look like you’re too pretty to be drinking alone on a Friday night. Will someone be meeting you?”  
“Nope, it’s just me.” Janet offers a half hearted smile, one that looks like a silent scream of ‘I’m dying inside’, and takes a swig of her drink.  
“That’s a shame.” The bartender adds, noticing how the older woman had brushed aside her compliment.   
Janet looks up from where her gaze had rested at a particular point on the counter, finally looking right at the bartender. She seemed young, Janet guessed about thirty, with green eyes and hair down to her butt. The bartender’s hair was bright red, but natural, Janet could tell that it wasn’t dyed, and she didn’t realize how she hadn’t noticed it or anything else about her before.  
“I really was keeping my head down, wasn’t I? You are very gorgeous, I don’t know how I didn’t notice that when I first walked in. What is your name?”  
“Meridith.” The woman answered, seeming a little taken aback. She hadn’t expected that, but it was a welcome surprise. “What’s yours?”  
“Janet. Janet Parsons.” She smiled softly and downed the rest of her Scotch.   
“Do you want that refilled?”  
“Yes, please. I’ll be here for a while, I think. I have some feelings that need forgetting.” She chuckled when she said this, though Janet was completely serious. 

Meridith poured her another Scotch and made her rounds, topping up the other people at the bar, telling jokes and listening to them. Janet watched her, feeling a warmth inside her. She could already feel herself catching feelings for Meridith. 

“Another one.”  
“You’ve had a lot. What exactly is bothering you, Janet Parsons?”  
“I don’t know that it’s worth your time,” She croaks, sounding worse for wear.  
“It is. I’m interested in you.”  
“Why is that?”  
“I feel like I know you. Or like I should, and your eyes are wise and I trust you, is all. Wow why did I say that?” She giggles.  
“Okay.” Janet’s eyes sparkle, all is not lost and Meridith is interested. Janet feels comfortable with letting her in. “My friend who I’ve been… well, fucking, is finally with the person she wants to be with and I’m… kinda left here, not knowing what to do. There weren’t supposed to be any strings attached but I… Oh God I think I might love her and I don’t know what to do with that. It’s too late, you know?”  
“Maybe it isn’t.”  
“No, I’m happy for her. She’s with the person whom she’s been pinning after for… God knows how long. I am really happy for her.” Janet sobs dryly and looks away, stopping. “Gimme another one of those please, you’re so very sweet and pretty.”  
Meridith places her hand on top of Janet’s on the counter and Janet’s heart skips a beat.  
“My shift ends in a quarter of an hour, I wouldn’t normally do this but do you want to come back to mine?”  
“Yes I really, really would like that.”  
“I’m fine with being a rebound if it’s with you. I think I knew that the second you walked in and I’ve been trying to tell if you liked women or not since you first said I was gorgeous and I noticed how short you trim your nails and I… nevermind. Here’s your Scotch, Janet.”  
Janet placed a kiss on the top on Meridith’s hand, her eyes saying everything she wouldn’t dare say aloud in a bar. I want you.

When Meridith was finally off, which seemed like a million years since they had made the agreement to go back to hers, she grabbed Janet by the hand and led her down the street, a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.   
“Want one?”  
“Yeah sure, I don’t normally though.”  
“But you’re gonna be bad tonight?”  
“You bet I am.” Janet said flirtatiously, lightening up her fag and taking a long drag on it. “How far is your flat?”  
“Not far. Don’t worry, Janet.” She laughed.

The walls were a dark purple colour, the decor questionable, but Janet was intrigued. She meant to ask about it, but there were other things on her mind as she pushed Meridith up against the wall, kissing her softer at first and then deepening it until they were both sufficiently out of breath.  
“God, you’re a good kisser.”  
“So I’ve been told.” Janet sighs.  
“Let’s go through there, my roommate is asleep thank God.” She giggled again.  
“Oh shit will we have to keep quiet?”  
“She’s a deep sleeper, don’t worry. But yeah, a bit, yeah.”

Janet steps into Meridith’s bedroom, which is equally as creatively decorated as the rest of her flat with fairy lights and lots of art on the walls. Her bed is cosy in the corner and loaded with decorative pillows, It all seems so completely different from what Janet is used to. Meridith turns on the fairy lights and her bedside lamp, leaving the main lights off, and sits on the edge of her bed. Janet stands and gets Meridith to help her with the dress, taking it off and making quick work of her nylons so she is left standing there, wearing nothing but her matching bra and panties, all sexy red lace and expensive seeming in their newness.  
“You really are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, gosh.”   
“Actually?” Janet doesn’t believe her, but she does feel pretty good just now wearing the sexiest thing she owns in the bedroom of a lover quite a lot younger than she.  
“Actually.” Meridith places her hands on Janet’s hips, pulling her towards the bed and Janet straddles her. Meridith brings a hand up to Janet’s centre through the red lace of her underwear, teasing her, feeling how wet she already is.  
“This is okay?”  
“Yes…”  
Meridith slips her fingers inside, stroking along Janet’s slit, spreading her wet. Janet shuddered, biting back a whimper, it was hard for her to keep quiet. She made it bearable by kissing her way down Meridith’s neck, drawing out a soft moan from the younger woman.  
“Shh.”  
Meridith rubbed her clit in slow, then faster circles, bringing Janet to the edge, shuddering and muffling a whimper against Meridith’s neck. 

When Janet came down from her high, she brought them both down so that they were laying on Meridith’s bed, and lifted the covers so as to lie beneath them.   
“Do you mind if I sleep here tonight?”  
“I would love it if you stayed all night, Janet Parsons.”  
Janet hovered above her, beneath the blankets and kissed her long and hard, drawing out another moan from Meridith. She kissed down her neck again, sliding her hands up Meridith’s shirt, taking it off and then making quick work of the rest of her clothing, abandoning it all in a heap beside the bed. Janet kneeled between her thighs and asked her, as Meridith had before, if this was okay.  
“Of course it is, Janet.”   
And with that, she took Meridith in her mouth, swirling her tongue around her clit and dipping two fingers into her folds, thrusting in and out. Janet brought her off once, then again, smiling against her as she heard Meridith moan her name, forgetting about trying to be quiet for the sake of her roommate. 

Janet snuggled against her back, bare skin on skin, her lace had since been abandoned. It had been a strange evening but she didn’t regret it, and she was happier now, spooning the lover she never imagined that she’d have, feeling her breathing slow as Meridith drifted off. Placing one last kiss upon her shoulder before falling asleep herself.


	12. Chapter 12

She was dreaming about Gill again. Gill choking her, Gill fucking her from behind. Janet wished she wouldn’t, it felt rotten every time, knowing that she wanted someone she couldn’t have so very badly. She didn’t open her eyes, but she had woken up. Letting out a shuddery sigh, Janet whispered the name of her friend and ex lover.  
“Gillian…”  
“Hey,” That voice wasn’t Gill’s. Janet’s eyes shot open.  
“Where am I…”  
“Janet?”   
“Oh! Meridith, hi.” Janet kicked herself internally, how could she forget. “How long have you been up? What time is it?”  
“Don’t worry! It’s only 7AM and it’s Saturday.”  
“I should text my mum and uh, go home.”  
“Stay a while. I’ll make chocolate chip pancakes, for you and for my roommate, Beth. Pretty sure she heard us last night.” She made a face, clearly not that sorry, more like amused. Janet smiled at her, stretching in bed before getting up.

“Oh, God. Look away!”  
“I literally saw you last night, Janet.”  
“It was dark.”  
“Fine. I still think you’re gorgeous, though.”  
“Everything sags.”  
“Janet. I do not care.”  
“I think you would.”  
“I really, really don’t. I think you are perfect. Just exactly as you are.” Meridith said, turning around to look at Janet, who was sitting naked on the edge of the bed, combing out her hair with her fingers.  
Janet looked back, big eyes softening at the care that had been shown to her.

“Please kiss me.” It seemed an odd thing to ask, but in this moment, Janet needed it. Meridith obliged, kneeling beside the bed —which was actually a mattress and a box spring on the floor, Janet noticed with the daylight. Meridith’s fingers tangled into Janet’s hair, pulling her down, soft lips devouring her mouth.  
Janet sighed deeply, pulling away a bit, enough to be able to look into Meridith’s green eyes properly, as if in order to speak to her soul.  
“You, my dear, are the beautiful one.”  
“That does not make you any less so.”  
“I am aged.”  
“You are wise, and wisdom is beauty. Your body reflects that, and you are gorgeous because of it, not in spite of it.”  
“My God you have a way with words.”  
Meridith kissed her again, moving down Janet’s neck.  
“I only say what is true, you should try it about yourself.”   
“We have different versions of what is true.”   
“The truth doesn’t change, you are just not listening to it. You. Are so. Fucking. Beautiful.” Meridith whispered between kisses. Janet giggled, “You win.”

Meridith paused and got up, “Okay, I'll be in the kitchen making those pancakes, text your mum or whatever you need to do. You can wear my robe if you don’t feel like putting on yesterday’s clothes just yet, I can find you something to wear after.”  
“Thank you, Meridith. For this. For last night.” Janet squeezed her hand, her eyes softening as she smiles warmly at her.  
“I think I wanted you the second I first laid eyes on you, but God I did not expect this. Last night was everything, to me, Janet. I really hope that I will be seeing more of you.”  
“You will, if you want me. I like you.”  
“I like you, too.” Meridith’s eyes seemed to sparkle.

She left the room and Janet got dressed a bit, putting her fancy lingerie from last night back on. She didn’t feel like wearing her fancy black dress and nylons, so she just put on the robe that Meridith had offered her, tying it loosely around herself.

The scent of chocolate chip pancakes wafting from the kitchen down the hall persuaded Janet to get up from Meridith’s bed where she was sat catching up with her texts and letting her mum know that she was perfectly fine and not dead in a ditch somewhere.

“These smell yummy.”  
“Oh hello.” Meridith smiled warmly and flipped a pancake. “This is my roommate, Beth.” She indicated across the room at a dark haired girl with glasses bigger than her face who was reading a book.  
“Hello… Janet.” She grumbled, making a face that seemed to confirm that she had, in fact, heard them last night. Janet blushed.  
“Good morning Beth.” She said awkwardly. Turning to Meridith she added, “I need to be off fairly soon I have two daughters and my mum needs me there.” She smiled but worried that she would be judged, however, what she wanted was to be open and honest, especially if she was going to try for a relationship with this girl. She needed to know that family cake first and that she was in fact, a mum. First and foremost.  
“I didn’t realize you had kids. How old are they?”  
“Elise is seventeen, Tasie is fifteen.” Janet shifted her weight.  
“I hope I’ll get to meet them.”  
“We’ll see how it goes.” Janet said it hopefully, but in the back of her mind she was thinking of Gill, missing her. She just couldn’t let it go, and she hoped it wasn’t going to hurt this potential relationship with Meridith. It showed on her face. “I swear you’re not seeing the last of me.”  
“Have a pancake and then I’ll walk you to your car, eh?”  
“These smell heavenly.” Janet sighed and took a bite of the pancake, the chocolate chips warm and melty. “These ARE heavenly. Thank you, Meridith.”  
“Of course.”

Janet ate three, which was a lot for her. They were good, and she liked eating stuff she hadn’t cooked herself. She got dressed in her clothing from last night and made her way out of the uniquely decorated flat with Meridith.

“Thank you. For, yknow, cheering me up. I promise I won’t disappear. Here’s my number.” She added herself as a contact in Meridith’s phone. “I want to be straight with you, so you need to know this might not work out. You’re young, your whole life ahead of you. I’m a single mum, and I’m not over Gill, either.”  
“I understand. But we’ll talk soon alright?”  
“We will.” Janet kissed her one last time and got in the car, driving off home to Oldham.


	13. Chapter 13

Janet was wearing that white blouse and a black pencil skirt and it was driving Gill crazy. She hadn’t thought she could be this affected by Janet, especially not now that she was with Julie and it was everything she ever wanted. She shouldn’t think about Janet like this, Janet was her oldest friend and Gill was also her boss. Not to mention dating someone else. 

But she couldn’t keep hold of herself, in the end, and the air seemed warmer and the space between them got smaller and soon they were alone in the loo once again and the air was so thick and hot and it seemed hard to breathe. They were silent until Gill was the first to break it.

“I can see your bra through that, you know.”  
“Is that so?” Janet seemed like she wanted to fight.  
“I wasn’t complaining.”  
“Right.”  
Gill dried her hands on some paper towels. She should leave the washroom now but she doesn’t. She wants Janet, bad, and Janet knows it. It would seem that Janet wants her too because she nods in the direction of the last stall and Gill follows her, they both want the same thing.

Janet leans against the wall when they’re both inside, she is hard to read and Gill wonders what she’s thinking now.  
“You shouldn’t be unfaithful.” She says it in a motherly tone, but they both know that it isn’t what she really means.  
“Aren’t you with someone now too?”  
“I don’t know. It’s not like with you, anyways.” Janet starts to unbutton her blouse slowly, Gill watching her. She leaves it on, but open, and runs her hand down her belly to the zip of her pencil skirt.

“Fuck.” Gill whispers, she missed this. Missed Janet. She closes the space between them and kisses Janet softly and deeply, for the first time in just over two months. Janet moans against her mouth, sucking on Gill’s bottom lip, and Gill leans into her, pressing her up against the wall.

The team has gone home for the night, and it’s only the two of them here, conveniently. Janet had been just about to head out herself but now priorities have changed and all she wants is Gill. Gill kisses her deep and slow and it’s all Janet has craved since that last time at Gill’s house when they’d said goodbye. 

Their breathing heavy now, Gill moves her hands around Janet’s bare waist, her fingers soft and light. Not like before when they had been rough and it was what Janet had wanted, had asked for. Gill could tell that she needed to be softer now, that Janet wanted it soft and slow or not at all.

Gill moved down, kissing Janet’s neck the way she liked it, sucking and biting in the knowledge that it would leave a mark. Just how Janet wanted it. Janet rubbed her hands along Gill’s back, as if to massage her or to warm her up as she did this, and Gill relaxed into her touch. 

Stepping back just a bit, Gill removed Janet’s blouse and hung it on the hook located on the back of the stall door so as not to ruin it and unhooked Janet’s bra. She resumed her kisses after the bra joined Janet’s blouse on the hook and Gill made her way down Janet’s neck and collarbones. Janet whimpered and sighed, the cool air making her shiver as Gill grazed a nipple with her teeth, then sucked it. Janet let out a moan at that and held Gill tighter against her body, needing the contact. She could feel Gill’s lips smiling against her as she continued her ministrations.

“Oh, Gill. I need…”  
Gill looked up for a moment. She nodded, knowing what Janet had meant by this and slid her skirt to the ground along with Janet’s nylons. She cupped Janet through her panties and Janet whimpered, involuntarily grinding her hips against Gill’s touch.  
“Please.” She begged, whispering even though no one was likely to walk in. Gill slid her hand inside and ran a finger along Janet’s slit, finding her soaking with want.

“Fuck, you’re so wet.” Janet’s only response was to whimper as Gill took off her panties and kneeled between Janet’s legs. Gill inserted three fingers, pumping in and out as her mouth latched onto Janet’s clit, tongue swirling around it as Janet ground against her face. She certainly wasn’t quiet now, as Gill picked up the pace, thrusting her fingers in and out of her. Janet moaned and bucked her hips as she came but Gill kept going, replacing her fingers with her tongue and drinking Janet’s juices, then back to her clit until Janet orgasmed again, moaning Gill’s name and shaking as she came.

“Good God, Gill.”  
“I missed this. You. The way you feel and taste.”  
“Me too. But you can’t, we can’t. We shouldn’t.”  
“I’ve wanted you so much. I didn’t realize the extent of it until now.” Gill placed soft kisses on the insides of Janet’s thighs before standing up.  
“But Julie.”  
“I know.”  
“This can’t happen again, Gill.”  
“I know.”  
“I’m not going to be ‘The Whore’. I just won’t.”  
“You’re not—“  
“I would be if we kept on doing this. And I’m just not going to do that to Julie or you. You don’t really want me, you want her. This is just—“  
“I want you.”  
“Then you have to end it with Julie and I have to end it with… Meridith.”  
“I can’t.”  
“Then you can’t have me, Gillian.”  
Janet was still naked and Gill was fully clothed. It seemed to not matter though, as if they hadn’t noticed during this conversation until Gill’s eyes wandered.

“Why are you so…”  
“What?” Janet’s voice was breathy.  
“Perfect.” There was a pause.  
“I’m not.” She looked fragile, leaning against the wall and vulnerable. Janet shivered, it wasn’t warm enough for her lack of clothing.  
Gill noticed this and put her hands around Janet’s waist, looking into her big blue eyes. She appeared to be tearing up, but Gill brushed the thought away. Janet wouldn’t.  
“To me, you are.” Janet looked scared now, and she wanted Gill to look at her like this. Wanted Gill to want her. But she didn’t know what to do, it was all too complicated now.

Gill closed the space between them and kissed Janet, her hands were everywhere and Janet whimpered against her mouth. If this was the last time, Gill needed one more kiss if nothing else, and Janet wanted it too. She pulled away, out of breath, eyes never leaving Janet’s face, her body, her lips.  
“I love you.”  
“Don’t.” Janet was firm, and then she looked away. She was crying now, but Gill didn’t know, couldn’t see and Janet was so quiet about it. 

Janet didn’t turn around and so Gill left her, exiting the stall so that she could get dressed seeing as there wasn’t much room, it would’ve been hard to maneuver with both of them in there. Janet joined her by the sinks a few minutes later, fully clothed and no longer misty-eyed. She kissed Gill one last time, tongue and teeth and passion, and left her without another word.


	14. Chapter 14

A month had gone by since Gill had fucked her in the bathroom stall at work, and nothing had changed. They hadn’t talked about it, and they hadn’t slipped up again, unless you counted the time Janet walked by and Gill had pulled her into her lap. No one was there, and they hadn’t even kissed just sat like that with Gill’s arms around Janet’s waist and the feel of her weight on Gill’s knee. Janet had rocked her hips almost involuntarily at the sudden contact, maybe just to tease her or a bit for herself. It was over in a minute though, but they’d both lost their breath and the air was hot and tense and Janet imagined how great it would be if Gill would just fuck her over the desk. Right here, right now. But they hadn’t.

Instead, Janet was in bed at her home with Meridith, just reading a novel while Meridith read her newest astrology book beside her. She liked that they could be content in silence together, and it was comfortable. Dorothy liked Meridith, and Tasie was fascinated by her. Janet couldn’t be happier that everything seemed to be falling into place. Only it wasn’t.

Being loved by Meridith wasn’t enough for her, she had long admitted to herself. And Meridith was everything, she wasn’t the problem. Meridith was kind and gentle, she was clever and treated Janet as if she were the most important person in the world. But it still wasn’t right, and all because Meridith wasn’t Gill. And all Janet wanted was Gill.

Gill’s touch, Gill’s fingers inside her, her voice saying those words, ‘I love you’ soft and meaningful. Gill’s lips on her neck, tongue against her clit, teeth clashing with Janet’s when they kissed. It was becoming more and more clear to her, the extent of how she felt for her boss, her friend. Her lover. 

Janet sighed deeply, she hadn’t even been reading, just dreaming of Gill. Like a fool. She was horny now, could feel that she was wet. Janet shivered, causing Meridith to look over.

“What’s up, Jan?”  
“Oh… nothing.” She laughed and brushed it aside.  
“Well, not nothing.”  
Janet closed her book and set it on the bedside table, sighing. She turned onto her side and kissed Meridith, gently taking the book out of her hands and putting it behind her onto the bedside table.  
“Can we… can we try something?”  
“Go on.”  
“Can I tie you up?” Janet asked, so serious that she seemed almost dramatic as she looked Meridith in the eyes while addressing her.  
“Y-yes.” 

Janet used a scarf since it was the best thing available, securing Meridith’s wrists to the headboard after Meridith had removed her clothes.  
“It’s alright? Not horribly tight?”  
“Yeah, it’s good.” Meridith tried to read Janet, but she was just as confusing as ever.  
“Right then.” Janet seemed a bit… emotionless to Meridith, which probably meant that she had a lot of emotions.

Meridith watched as Janet took off her clothes, she was aroused now. She loved Janet’s body and told her often, though she didn’t think Janet would ever believe it of herself. She was avoiding looking at Meridith’s eyes. Hiding something. 

She was hiding nothing physically as she sat down at the end of the bed, deciding to tease Meridith but also take this time for herself, to think about Gill. She looked at Meridith properly now, and turned to face her. Janet felt herself, she was wet as a rainforest and it wouldn’t take long to get off, and then she’d take care of Meridith. She inserted two fingers, then three, and pumped them quickly inside herself, thumb circling her clit. 

She closed her eyes, and pictured Gill. Gill’s fingers and the way she’d put her whole fist inside of Janet. Janet wanted it, wanted Gill. Wanted to be fucked like that by her. But she couldn’t. She had started to think about what she’d like to do to Gill, like tie her up and make her watch like she was doing to Meridith right now. And what she was planning for after. She wondered how it would feel to have Gill submit to her, like Meridith did and like she would for Gill. Janet wanted it, bad, but she’d have to make do.

Janet moaned as she came and opened her eyes. Meridith was begging with her gaze, pressing her thighs together in an attempt to get some friction or pressure where she needed it. She was wet now, needing to be fucked and willing to beg.  
“Janet, please. I want the…”  
“I know, let me get it.” Janet smirked and got up, sucking her fingers into her mouth, tasting herself as she usually does. It drives Meridith crazy.

Janet returned from the closet with her strap on in hand and stood at the foot of the bed thinking if this was Gill. If this was Gill, she would fuck her hard and fast. Gill moaning her name in Janet’s ear. She wanted that.

Janet put it on, the short end inside herself. A glutton for pleasure, she thought to herself, she missed all the taking she could do with Gill. Gill would give and give and give, and Janet fancied it, laying back and just being fucked. It wasn’t what she wanted now, though. She ran her fingers along Meridith’s naked body, Meridith whimpered and begged for it, to which Janet complied.

Janet thrust inside of Meridith, feeling the other end inside herself. She was used to this now but it was a strange thing to adjust to at first, this appendage that wasn’t really hers. She liked it now, however, and she imagined what it would be like to bottom for Gill with it. She wanted that, but she couldn’t, shouldn’t. She couldn’t have anything from Gill now, only a few glances that said ‘I want you’ across the room at work and occasionally when Gill and Janet were alone and Gill would say all the things she wished that she could do, and Janet talked right back, both sitting apart from each other as if in a briefing.

Moving her right hand down, Janet slid it between their bodies and rubbed hard circles against Meridith’s clit. She kissed the skin that was available, putting a bit of bite into it. Meridith moaned, shaking from her orgasm and wanting to touch Janet but she was prevented by her restraints. Janet pulled out and began kissing from her neck down, collarbones and chest, swirling her tongue around one nipple while she pinched the other. Meridith was desperate to be free, to touch Janet, But she couldn’t and Janet was loving it.

She couldn’t stand the fact that it had been Gill. The whole time, and every time, every time she fucked Meridith, every time she touched herself, it was always Gill. Every time she found herself crying and missing a piece of herself and longing to be held and kissed and made to feel alright, it was Gill. Perhaps it always had been Gill, from the moment their lips had first crashed together in Gill’s flat when they were twenty six. It had felt right, their tongues exploring, hands everywhere. It had always felt right, but now everything seemed wrong, and Janet had never wanted anyone so desperately and maddeningly like she wanted Gill Murray


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn’t have time to edit so.... sorry if there are mistakes eep!

Office Christmas party. Janet had normally liked these, being with everyone and having a laugh. It was nice when they were all together outside of work, but it was rare. This time, she was kind of dreading it. She was bringing Meridith as her plus one, and Gill was going to be there of course, and it just made her anxious. 

Gill kept looking at her, little glances and Janet felt her stomach flip flop, something was going to happen. Gill looked too good in her off-shoulder black dress and Janet could tell that she wanted her too.

Meridith got chatting with Rachel and Janet slipped away, finding Gill tucked away in a corner with no Julie in sight.  
“Hey.” Janet whispered.  
“Oh hello.”   
Janet moved closer, deciding that no one was looking at them. She was so close now and Gill could feel her breath. She put a hand on Janet’s waist, pulling her forward so that their hips were together, no space between them except for their faces. Their eyes locked, and Janet could not tear her gaze away for the world.   
“I just want to kiss you…” Janet whispered, barely audible.  
“Then kiss me.”  
“We can’t.”  
“We could.”  
“No…” Janet ‘protested’ as she closed the gap between them. No had meant yes.

They broke apart quicker than they’d have liked to, they couldn’t be caught and people might start to look even if they were tucked away.   
“I think I love you too.” Janet said, turning her head to the side. “I can’t get you out of my head.”  
“Oh, Janet.”  
“What?”  
“You’re so perfect right now… that’s all. Like I could spend the rest of my life just like this.”  
“Leave Julie.”  
“Okay. Not tonight but… soon.”  
“Alright.” Janet stepped back from where her body had been melted into Gill.  
“Do you want to dance? I like this song.”  
“Of course.”

Janet grabbed Gill’s hand and lead her to the dance floor, hands going around her waist as Gill put her arms around Janet’s neck. They swayed to the music, not caring who saw them as they were old friends, nobody would have thought twice about them dancing like this. Gill looked into Janet’s eyes, seeing the future, the hope of something more, a life with Janet.

“I… want you.” Gill whispered into Janet’s ear.  
“Loo?” She was gagging for it. All the resisting she had done since that last time was driving Janet up the wall, she needed whatever Gill was going to give her. 

“This is a good colour on you.” Gill said quietly. They were in the last stall, Janet’s back against the wall with Gill’s knee wedged between her thighs. She was referring to the deep red of Janet’s dress; which Gill had hitched up to her waist, exposing Janet’s legs and her fancy red lingerie that she had bought for Gill before, but that Gill had never seen. Janet moved her hips against Gill’s thigh, trying to get some friction. She whimpered. 

“I want to see you. Can I take this off?” Gill meant her dress and Janet let her.  
“Please.” she whined.  
Gill removed it carefully and draped it over the bathroom hook, turning back to an exposed Janet, standing just in her red lace lingerie. Like she’d known this would happen. Gill ran her hands along Janet’s body, touching, feeling. Drinking her in. 

“You are so beautiful.” Gill husked, sliding her hand between Janet’s legs. Janet was dripping wet, Gill could feel it as she ran two fingers along her slit. Janet shuddered.

“What about tomorrow, Gill? Will you still want me tomorrow or will you want to stay with Julie? I’m not sure that I can trust you.”  
“I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you.” Gill was breathing heavily and she didn’t seem to know what to do with Janet’s emotions… again. She inserted her fingers into Janet, suddenly and Janet’s breath hitched. Gill didn’t move, just held her there against the wall, fingers filling Janet.

Janet looked into her eyes, pleading. Begging for something, an orgasm, an ‘I love you’, a kiss. She didn’t know what she wanted from Gill, from this. Not to be left, she supposed. Not to be abandoned. 

“I love you.” She said it, properly and for the first time that she’d meant it to the depth that she was feeling it now. “I only want you. Not anyone else. It all seems to pale in comparison to how you’ve made me feel and come and dream and long for you. I feel a fool.”  
“You’re not a fool. I tried to say that I loved you before and you said that I shouldn’t. What do you want from me, Janet?”  
“I want to be with you, I like it when you want me, fuck me, hold me. You make me smile and I want you to stay.” Janet looked so vulnerable, wearing so little and emotionally too, she was bare and her heart was exposed. Tears started to form in her eyes but Janet would not let them fall.

“I want to stay. I’m still going to love you tomorrow, Janet.”  
Janet didn’t say anything more, just rocked her hips against Gill’s fingers. Gill took the hint and moved her hand, stroking her. Janet came silently, she was too overcome with her own feelings to lose herself in the moment.

“Jan? Are you in here?”  
Janet and Gill froze. Meridith.  
“Just get your fingers out of my pussy and go under the stall.” Janet hissed.  
They’d done this before, to avoid Rachel. But this was different. Worse. Gill kissed the side of her neck and slid her fingers out, bringing them up to Janet’s lips as if to signal ‘be quiet’, but Janet sucked them into her mouth, cleaning them off for Gill. “Go!” she whispered.

Gill squeezed under the stall and into the next one as Janet hurried to make herself decent.   
“Erm, yeah, just in the last one love. Maybe had a bit too much to drink…”  
There was a knock on the door. Janet opened it and Meridith entered.  
“Hey… “  
“Hey.” Janet did look and feel a bit guilty.  
“Why’s your lipstick smeared?”  
“Uh…”  
“I saw you dancing with Gill. You’re not over her. It’s okay Jan just… tell me you don’t want me.”  
“I’m sorry. “  
“She was here, wasn’t she? I can smell you.”  
“I shouldn’t have strung you along. I’m sorry.”  
“Just be with the one you want. Be with her.”  
“I’m sorry, Meridith.”  
“Don’t worry about it.” Meridith pulled her into a bruising kiss, Janet’s lips already puffy. “I can taste you… or is that her?”   
“That would be me.”  
“Goodbye, Janet. I’ll show myself out.”  
“I am sorry.”  
“Yeah.” And then Meridith was gone too.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone this is the last chapter and I’m really sad to part with Resilience but I hope you all enjoy and I hope that everyone had a lovely Christmas! xx Syd

The silence between them felt heavy in Janet’s chest, she wasn’t sure why they’d been avoiding conversation. She supposed that Gill was waiting to end it with Julie before they were alone together or talking again, so as to avoid temptation. Janet was aching, her heart for Gill she realized. She longed to touch her, to hold her and kiss her. She wanted Gill to be hers, she wanted to be Gill’s. Janet cried again, silent tears into her pillow. Would this ever work out? It was 2AM and here she was, crying over this woman she’d known since she was twenty six, and now she was forty nine, divorced and longing to be with her. Never had she thought when she was snogging Gill in training that she’d end up like this, in love. 

She sighed a deep, shuddering breath and wiped her eyes. A knock at the window caught her attention. Perhaps it was a bird or a bat hitting the glass. The knock happened again, and Janet got out of bed to investigate. Once more it came and Janet could see that it was a rock hitting the glass of her second floor bedroom window, and there was Gill standing in the garden in the cold wet of December. 

She wasn’t really sure if this was real, but Janet went along with it and walked downstairs to let Gill inside. She unlocked the door to see Gill’s face, her expression a bit broken and Janet supposed that she’d finished it with Julie. Gill was shivering from the cold and Janet pulled her inside without a word, shutting the door behind them. Janet leaned her back against the bannister, Gill falling into her arms and pressing herself against Janet’s body, lips on hers. Janet held her tightly, hands moving along her body as if to warm her up, Gill was cold and a bit damp from being outside in winter. Gill kissed her deep and slow, never wanting to let go. 

They had to break apart for air eventually, breath heavy and Gill no longer shivering with cold.  
“Gillian…” Janet whispered, looking right into Gill’s hazel eyes, their bodies still pressed tightly together.  
“It’s okay.” Gill raised her hand to Janet’s hair, tucking a strand behind her ear. “I’m here now.”  
“Don’t leave.” Janet’s voice was shaky, but she was firm.  
“I’ll stay.” Gill whispered against her cheek and kissed her softly there.  
“I don’t mean just tonight, Gill. I mean stay forever.”  
“I know.”  
“I love you.”  
“I love you too, Janet. And I will stay forever.” Gill kissed along Janet’s jawline and down her neck before reclaiming her lips, hands in Janet’s soft hair and feeling the softness of her mouth on hers. 

“Mum?”  
Janet and Gill jumped apart, breathing heavily.  
“What are you doing up, Tais?” Janet asked quietly, embarrassed.  
“Could ask you the same thing.” Tasie said suspiciously. “I just needed a glass of water.”  
Janet sighed heavily, stepping away from where she was leaning against the bannister, towards Gill.  
“Okay. Do… do you mind if Gill stays the night?”  
“Why are you asking me, mum?”  
“Because you matter to me,”  
“Of course I don’t mind. I like Godzilla.” Tasie chuckled quietly.  
“Thanks.” Gill said sarcastically.  
“Sorry for… shocking you.” Janet said sheepishly.  
“I just want you to be happy. I don’t mind.” Tasie brushed by her mum into the hallway towards the kitchen.  
“Thank you,” Janet could feel tears forming in her eyes, grateful that it was dark.

Janet led Gill up the stairs to her bedroom in the dark, holding her hand tenderly like she couldn’t bear to be apart from her. Shutting the door behind them, Janet lay back down on the bed where she had been before, pulling Gill down to lie on top of her. Gill kissed down Janet’s neck, her knee sliding in between Janet’s thighs.

Janet pulled Gill’s shirt over her head and dropped it to the floor before making quick work of the rest of her clothes. Gill removed Janet’s nightie and then they both had all of each other, like they hadn’t in so long. Neither of them moved, scared to break the moment of silence and darkness and belonging to each other. Janet pulled the blankets over them, laying on her side looking at Gill, darkness hid how much feeling she expressed through her eyes.

“I want you in my bed like this… every night. All of you.” Janet whispered, kissing Gill’s shoulder and moving to be on top, straddling her.  
“You can have that.”  
“I love you, Gill.”  
“I know.” Gill wedged her hand between them, beneath Janet, two fingers inside her. Janet rocked her hips, whimpering. Gill rubbed her clit with her thumb, slower and then fast circles, Janet coming against her hand, hips bucking.

Gill rolled over so that they were both lying on their sides, hugging Janet close to her body, lips pressed to her forehead.  
“I’m not going to go anywhere.” Gill whispered softly.  
“I know that now.” Janet kissed her lips hungrily and moved down her body. Fingertips and tongue and teeth, over Gill’s breasts, her belly, her thighs.

On her, inside her, soft. Fingers tracing her lips, running over the place where her hip jutted out, and down, stroking her clit. A shuddering sigh, lips on her neck, the feel of Janet’s tongue licking, sucking. The feel of her breath between her thighs, the want in her gaze, the way Janet was smiling against her skin into every kiss making her come alive. Making her want this, want her. 

Janet was soft like this, gentle in the way she fucked her. It was nothing like Gill had known before, the way Janet meant every thrust of her wrist and movement of her tongue. This was Janet’s way of loving, being soft. Her fingertips like feathers on the insides of her thighs. Her tongue like velvet. 

Gill came, hard, and Janet moved back up her body, melting into her, mouth on Gill’s. Gill tasted herself mixed with the Janet-ness, the way Janet’s mouth tasted, like coming home. 

“I am never going to leave.” She whispered between kisses, holding Janet tightly against her body.  
“We could get married… “ Janet chuckled saying it, but she realized that she really meant it upon saying it aloud. “Imagine you being here with me every night. I want you here, Gill. I don’t have a ring and it’s 3AM but marry me. Would you?”  
“Yes.” Gill smiled against her skin, kissing Janet softly all over her face. “I can’t imagine anything more perfect…”  
“You want to be my wife…” Janet whispered, grinning in the darkness.  
“I want to be your wife!” Gill giggled and kissed her again, stroking Janet’s hair. 

“I love you, Gill Murray.”  
“I love you too, Janet Scott.” And they drifted off like that, snuggled tightly against each other, filled with giddiness about their future and finally happy for the first time in such a long time. Janet knew that the girls wouldn’t mind, and Gill would move in and they would fall asleep like this every night, together.


End file.
